Passionate Ambivalence

Viren's leg didn't approve of the cold, and even with extra medication he was irritated and gloomy. Still, the kids were excited, and watching them frolic lifted his spirits as he prepared to guide Soren through the coming-of-age ritual known as Operating the Snowblower.

The ritual went smoothly, and Soren proudly puttered up and down the driveway while Claudia shoveled the steps.

Harrow poked his head out the door on the other side of their shared porch.

"Isn't he kind of young to be doing that?"

Viren shook his head. 

"He's strong and capable, and I'm watching in case something goes wrong. Normally I pay Gren to do it, but he's off at some wilderness rescue training for junior fire volunteers."

"Oh... I think Amaya is running that..."

Harrow's voice sounded strange, so Viren turned to look at him and frowned in concern. He looked exhausted and sad, almost broken. Viren laid a mittened hand gently on his shoulder.

"Hey," he said softly, "You look like you're having a rough morning."

Harrow just nodded, looking miserable.

"There's coffee and pancakes in the kitchen." Viren pointed at their front door. "I'll be in in a few minutes."

Harrow gave him a grateful not-quite-smile and headed in. Soren had cleared all the vital territory, so Viren got him to put the snowblower away, and locked it just to be safe. By the time he was done, Soren had already been drawn into a complex snow battle on Ezran's side.

In his kitchen, Viren found Harrow huddled over a mug of coffee, focused and contented like a man who had been granted his dearest wishes.* Viren stuck two pancakes on a plate and set it down beside him, earning a sound that was probably thanks from the depths of the mug. 

When Harrow handed him the empty mug with pleading eyes, Viren filled it, and poured himself another cup too, since it really was that kind of morning. Harrow ate in silence and Viren sat next to him and waited. 

"She's a morning person, like you." 

Viren nodded encouragingly, trying to summon his best supportive listening expression.

"So she always got up at, like, dawn or whatever, and dealt with the snow, and the ice, and the power outages, and the daycare information. And I'd wake Callum up and get him ready, and later the baby too, and make breakfast, and she'd come inside and we'd... uh..." Harrow stopped to wipe his eyes on the back of his hand.

"...so now I have to do all of that, and do it alone, and it just feels impossible, especially with the snow, and the memories..." He sniffled, so Viren fetched a box of tissues and held it out.

"It's stupid saying this to you when you've been doing it all the whole time..."

Viren nearly flung the box of tissues across the room making his vehement objection to that line of thought. 

"Nonono, that's completely wrong! It has to be much harder when you're missing someone you were counting on to help. If I seem more on top of things it's probably because my kids are older and more independent. Plus I wasn't, um... directly involved in the birth process, so I think you get... extra dispensation points."

Harrow looked confused. "Dispensation points? From who?"

"From the... uh... very official Single Parent League of... um...honor. Of which you've been made an honorary member.  We were going to have official badges, but that's on the Third Priority To-Do List. I keep it in a secret chamber with all the unmatched socks."

That actually got a laugh, and a sad-but-genuine smile.

Viren was trying to decide whether he should sit down again or check on the kids when Harrow said, "Thank you. You're a really good friend," and hugged him. He put his arms around Viren's waist and pressed his face against his sweater, and Viren made an attempt to return the hug by resting his arms on Harrow's shoulders. They were damp and chilled, and the position was awkward, but Viren felt happiness flowing into him, filling his heart until there was no room for any other feeling.

The kids burst in a few minutes later, leaving their wet outerwear all over and making hot chocolate and a big mess.

Since Harrow's driveway wasn't cleared, they ended up carpooling to school and work. That was crowded and loud and made Viren later than he preferred to be, but he didn't mind. Even dropping one of his quizzes in  a puddle of slush and needing to make new copies couldn't do much damage to his good mood.



*Tenure, leads on elusive research questions, and a four-year-old who still naps.