Passionate Ambivalence

gender affirmation via holy beings

Wed, 20 Oct 2021 22:59:36 GMT

A cool thing about being Heathen-adjacent and getting up at Butt-O'Clock for work is sometimes there's a full moon shining in the darkness and I'm like, Hail Mani, fucking superb you funky genderqueer Moon Dude.

Yeah I'm queer and weird of gender. Just like my gods.

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Supreme Queer Being

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 01:47:14 GMT

I just want like... The Fifth Element, But Make It Gay

Evil Space Capitalism is defeated by The Power of Asskicking And Big Queer Love (+blue alien opera lady, or equivalent)
It's fun and pretty and not that deep, and we deserve that shit!

The Old Guard kind of gets there for action movies, and to that I say Hell Yeah!
but I want it in a world that doesn't resemble mine, and I want the flowery romance to be integral to the plot

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TFW ur Outlandish, & u watch too much WWDITS

Sun, 28 Mar 2021 17:37:54 GMT

My kingdom is Al Quolanudar, and of her I will sing!
My lady has my truest love; my blood is for my king.*
I´m following His Majesty in some hot** foreign war,
But my heart is in Al Quolanudar, and shall be evermore.

*very literally, since he is now a vampire

** (/cold? wet? dry?)

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personal rep

Sat, 27 Mar 2021 13:14:37 GMT

Revry ad talking about lack of bi rep. I guess that's true, tho the missing rep that really sticks out for me is trans rep, POC queer rep, and disabled queer rep. Did I mention trans POC? Especially Black trans masc folks? yeah.

There didn't used to be good bi/pan rep, but gay chars used to be tokens written by, or at least for, straight ppl. But even then, Maureen in Rent was there for us. She sucks, but so do I sometimes.

Smart-and-Dumbass ND Disaster Bi Dr. Julian Bashir should be mentioned...

I feel very represented by Disaster Bi Jock Avatar Korra.

Decently seen with Eleanor on The Good Place.

Killjoys is full of queers and damn near everyone is queer friendly, tho I couldn't think of a specific bi/pan char... wait yes I could. ZEPH! I love that nerd! and she does make me feel seen.

In The Dragon Prince:
BIG RELATE with High Mage Viren (queer in the VERY LOUD subtext) and Queen Sarai (gone too soon, taken by the Fridge Your Moms trope, with a small assist from Bury Your Gays)

I feel super duper represented by p much all the dumbass pansexual vampires on What We Do In The Shadows. Nadja and Laszlo and Jenna, but very especially Mr. Nandor the Relentless. Practically just my vampsona, but tall and with a beard. I do possess more capacity for introspection than he displays, but it's awful and I avoid it, so it comes out the same.

The Filth, tho.
I never imagined I could feel as well-represented as I do by Stella on The Filth. She's like... me, but without kids. Me... but a plumber. Me... but lives in California.

I even had a Max, too, sort of, and he had a Danny. But my Max is bi, too, and he's married to a woman now, AFAIK, and has a cute kid. And his Danny married a chicken-raising, roller derby-playing agender butch with two kids, and became a hell of a stepdad.

ETA: I cannot fucking believe I left out Xena. I was thinking about stuff I watched as an adult, but how the fuck can u talk about dumbass pansexual warlords and not bring her up?!? Just smush Xena & Stella together & u get me. Also u kinda get Nandor? And Korra is really similar? Also something something The Old Guard...

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Six Sunday, Now on a Monday, WWDITS edition

Mon, 15 Mar 2021 13:55:00 GMT

5+1, Gig #3

¨We apologize for burning down your automobile stable."

"It's fine, my parents have great insurance... We can help you with your makeup, if you want."

"We" turns out to be the former Guest of Honor, Glory Takahara, and hir pet snake**, Ricardo, El Rey de los Reptiles (Rico for short), and they take Nandor's many loud demands in stride.

"I am not wanting to look 'pretty,' only otherworldly, and vaguely threatening!"

"I think, with the fangs, and the whole undead blood drinking warrior thing, you've got that covered," Glory says with a grin.

Nandor shuts her eyes, and lets Glory blow away the unfortunate past, on a breeze full of glitter.

**(Is this a reference to the book The Princess Who Saved Herself, based on the Jonathan Coulton song? You bet your ass it is!)

*

The Real Meaning of Sex Day

Laszlo/Nandor, implied (future?) nandermo,

In retrospect, Guillermo should have realized what Nandor meant when he pledged to do something about Laszlo's moping, but he didn't, and no one ever locks the fucking doors, so when he inevitably walks in on Laszlo hilt deep in his master, he drops the bucket with a splash and the cleaning supplies with a clatter, and almost passes out.

Some time later, he's on the floor, propped against the leg of the chaise, pants soaked with warm water and Mr. Clean suds. Nandor leans over him, still nude, and pats his shoulder with a hand that's too sticky.

"I don't get why you are making these pathetic human noises when it is not the first time you have seen vampire sex, but I am sorry we scared you."

Guillermo grinds his teeth in frustration.

"I'm not scared!"

*

Don't Fall Again: Nadja

¨I taught him how to bring the memories back, and he paid me very well, in gold and favors.¨

¨That's true.¨

Nadja adds, ¨Most of the favors were not sexual.¨

¨But the chantings and rememberings only made things worse with Santiago!¨

"That's not my fault! You had a very bad time in the Old Spain, but you went to the New Spain anyway."

Don't Fall Again: Guillermo POV

Nandor hums acknowledgement through tight-pressed lips, and Guillermo smiles shyly. Squeezing their still-joined hands, Nandor tells him he did well, and tomorrow he'll hear a story.

"You must understand," Nandor begins, "That when I first met Evhad, I was very young. He was so strong, and so handsome, that I had no choice but to love him. When he showed me how to hold a sword, or aim an arrow, every time he touched my hand it was like fire. I would do anything to make him proud, and anything to have him touch me, know me..."

He stares off into the flames, his striking features limmed in gold and shadow, and Guillermo thinks, I know how you felt, because I feel it now.

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BTS 1

Tue, 12 Jan 2021 15:59:39 GMT

Nandor is thrilled that, for once, his hair and renaissance faire experience are assets. Speaking Persian seals the deal, and this show could be his big break, if the blend of scripting, improv, and audience interaction catches on. He'll be less nervous once Mr. Broadway Bigshot arrives.

Guillermo de la Cruz looks younger than his bearded headshot, but his presence commands every room, in a gently charming way. He takes Nandor out for drinks, and draws him into a conversation about their experiences in the industry. It feels really good to share his perspective, but Nandor can be awkward without a script.

"It's a cliche profession for vampires, but I really like it!" Guillermo smiles encouragingly and nods, sipping his margarita de tunas rojas. Nandor's sangría verdadera is excellent and well worth the price.

"Everyone expects you to stick with theatre, and it's proud tradition, but I prefer TV. And that's... not an easy sell, if you don't stick to playing vampires. A lot of people get fang surgery..."

Guillermo shakes his head vehemently.

"Fuck that! Who you are is good enough!" He gazes earnestly into Nandor's eyes, and reaches out to squeeze his shoulder.

Nandor shrugs.

"It's not that big of a deal to land a dream job. Pretty much just cosmetic. Like..." he tries to think of comparable examples.

"...circumcision..." (examples that don't refer to penises, or hint at your past in adult film!)
"...or liposuction" (examples that don't insult your gorgeous fat scene partner!)
"...or, or getting tattoos! Piercing your bellybutton!" Guillermo shakes his head, laughing, and changes the subject.

As they gather up their belongings, and Nandor leaves a generous tip, he fidgets, looking everywhere but at Guillermo. Once they´re outside, he feels a hand on his elbow.

¨Hey,¨ Guillermo says, ¨I´m a hugger. Is that ok with you?¨ Nandor nods, and is promptly enveloped in strong arms and soft warmth. It´s overwhelmingly comforting and wonderful. He leans down into the embrace, trying not to give off desperate, touch-starved-for-decades-vibes.

¨It is a big deal,¨ Guillermo tells him. ¨No one should have to change to get roles. If anyone tells you otherwise, I´ll be glad to kick some ass.¨

¨Thanks,¨ Nandor says, patting his shoulder. ¨That means a lot.¨

He starts to pull away, but Guillermo holds him tighter.

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WWDITS S3 wishes

Mon, 28 Dec 2020 22:27:38 GMT

more werewolves

someone befriending or dating a werewolf

more local politics shenanigans

Guillermo dating or hooking up & Nandor being jealous

Guillermo wearing other clothes!

Laszlo & Nandor backstory

more mosquito hunters

Derek to not be dead & maybe a vampire, but I know that's hopeless.

Guillermo family & hopefully 1 or more siblings, maybe childhood friend?

a sexy bearded Guillermo doppelganger/evil twin/distant cousin.

Guillermo & Nandor backstory, maybe how they met

backstory about how the vampires met

Guillermo baking

moar Jenna

MUSICAL EPISODE(S)!!!

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WTF Harrow S1 edition

Mon, 07 Dec 2020 17:49:24 GMT

CN for suicidal thoughts and actions

As an often suicidal parent, King Harrow pisses me the hell off.

You're given an option to reduce the sacrifice made by your people, and you don't take it.

You feel guilty about your actions and you don't stick around to atone.

Sir, you have children.
You have a ten-year-old sir - how dare you?!?

They already lost their mother.
And that was your idea!

The little one is going to end up with all the kingdom's problems in his lap! With no guidance... and no training! Whose fault is that, exactly?!?

Ohhhh, my duty.
Ohhhh, my honor.
Something something ethics vs. pragmatism.
Fuck you.

Get some therapy.
Get a temporary replacement.
Or throw yourself headlong into trying to make peace.
Just, for fuck's sake, live.

For your kingdom.
For your people.
For your goddamned kids!!!

I know it hurts.
I know it doesn't feel like you can ever be what they need.
I don't know how it feels to miss someone the way you miss her, but you know what she'd want.

Let people love you.
Let them die for you.
It's their job, and yours.

One day at a time.
One hour.
One breath.

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Late October

Thu, 22 Oct 2020 23:52:27 GMT

Hail the gods of harvest, of memory, and death

The golden light of autumn, the trees, in all their shades

Hail the growing darkness, the frost that comes at night

Hail those who gather with us, and all the mighty dead

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Always

Wed, 30 Sep 2020 20:21:54 GMT

vaguely inspired by this: https://www.facebook.com/kira.magrann.33/posts/10159012315356484

The priestess stands on the wall, and her long hair streams in the wind. The spear-tip glints in the sunlight as she watches her love ride away.

Their dreams and their duty lead them far apart. Yet they meet again, when the High Cleric crowns a queen.

Love can be shown through service, until that, too, is gone. Til all that's left is smoke, and memory, and stone.

Their vows held them separate when they stood side by side. But once there were other promises made...

***

It's their last night together, spent in the bower, bathed in the copper-gold light of early fall.

"I know we won't always have this," Sarai murmurs into her hair, "but I'll never love anyone more than I love you."

"I'll never love anyone else," Opeli responds, curling close to her side, "and if anyone hurts you, I swear I'll destroy them."

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September 21

Wed, 23 Sep 2020 00:50:56 GMT

A golden crescent hangs above
Embracing the orb of darkness
The now is a bright, curved sickle, sharp and strong
Holding the past, letting it rest
Cradling the future, letting it grow

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Auspicious Circumstance

Mon, 14 Sep 2020 03:54:08 GMT

1.

Custom decrees that any two people caught in the rare glow of the roselight crystal who are free to do so ought to kiss, as this will bring good fortune to them and their folk. It is a custom of the capital region, and Viren, newly arrived from the western uplands, has never heard of it. The High Mage smiles when she mentions it, and the lesson meanders off on a tangent about her beloved late wife's odd relationship with luck and games of chance. Apprentice mage Viren files the bit of folklore away as foolish sentimentality that could, like any knowledge, prove useful in the right circumstances.

He isn't expecting to be quizzed about it the next evening by the heir to the throne. His Highness Crown Prince Harrow, whom Viren has only met once, in a crowd, asks if he knows what kind of crystal is set in the lamp over one door to the New Year's Ball. Eager to prove himself, he identifies the crystal, describes its structure and uses, and mentions the custom he's just learned.

"... but I'm not certain what's meant by 'free to do so.'"

Harrow shrugs.

"Probably old enough, not in holy orders, and not married?"

"That would depend on the type of marriage or other bond. Different human nations have different traditional family structures, and in ancient Xadia..."

They both end up late to where they're going. And in the following weeks Viren finds himself spending many evenings in the library, helping the prince study, telling stories, or talking through his latest research ideas while Harrow listens.

2.

Harrow is seventeen when he travels to Neolandia, excited and a bit overwhelmed with the new and wondrous sights and sounds and smells and tastes. Viren is with him, a close and familiar companion whose presence helps center and ground him, despite the young mage's frenetic attempts to learn every bit of information about every place they visit and everyone they meet.

Their clothes aren't right for the weather, so it's a welcome relief to eat lunch with Prince Ahling in a shaded, poolside garden. Afterward they wander through a cave filled with the prince's prized pets, rare lucky dthak lizards that draw energy from the fireheart crystals embedded in the walls. The lizards occasionally make croaking/chirping sounds that are faintly musical. It's Neolandian tradition, Ahling tells them, that if you hear one sing six notes, you will find true love within the year. He has many other lizard facts he's proud to share, and Viren listens avidly, while Harrow returns to the pool, pulling off his boots and swishing his toes in the water.

It's no surprise that Viren crashes into bed immediately after dinner and starts snoring soon after. Harrow feels worn out too, but too keyed up to sleep. A huge yellow moon rises over the garden, and the lizard sounds start up again. Some climb out of the cave while the moon is brightest, and he starts counting the notes. He tries to wake Viren, but his companion slumbers on, face aglow with moonbeams, soft and calm and beautiful.

Harrow thinks if he hears the six notes there's no need to wait a year, or a minute; his true love is here. He laughs at his own romantic nonsense. His mother would dismiss it, since that's not how royals ought to think. Viren might dismiss it, too, depending on his mood, but it doesn't matter. Loving Viren is just a part of him, warm and steady in his heart for years now. He brushes Viren's hair back from his forehead, and gently kisses his cheek, before climbing into bed, sleepy at last.

As he's drifting off he hears a dthak lizard singing, six notes in a row.

3.

At Princess Annika's wedding, Viren dances for hours, polishing familiar steps and learning new ones.

Shortly before sunset, the families offer a song and a prayer, and the brides toss their garlands of flowers into the crowd.

If the garlands are caught by lovers, it's an extra blessing for the marriage. So when Viren catches one, and sees Harrow catch the other, he isn't surprised by the kiss, and he plays along.

"It's gracious of you to make a good show for tradition and luck."

Harrow shakes his head with a nervous smile.

"They aimed for us. Because they know how I feel about you."

"How do you feel about me?"

"Please, let me show you..."

He reaches for Viren, and Viren nods and leans in. This kiss, like the other one, is joyful and sweet, but it's also tender, and passionate, filled with pent-up longing and a hint of future dreams.

Then Harrow asks, "How do you feel about me?"

Viren tells him, "I'd do anything for you!"

Harrow smiles. "I know. But I'm your prince, and that's your duty, so-"

Viren stops him.

"I'll always serve the crown, of course, but you... It's not your crown or your title that makes me want to follow you anywhere..."

Harrow pulls him close.

"...face any challenge, risk any danger..."

He trails off as Harrow claims his lips decisively. Annika flashes a satisfied smirk in their direction as the brides make their way to their private chamber.

There's more dancing, and this time prince and mage move together, close and slow in the torchlight, murmuring truths and promises, in between kisses, long into the night.

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Once upon a Wednesday eve

Fri, 24 Jul 2020 00:45:28 GMT

I had this idea ages ago, inspired I think by something in the slacktiverse comments over on wordpress... But then I spent years not writing it and this a super-abbreviated version.

CN: eviction, trans characters taking desperate measures, trans women written without a sensitivity reader, curse, soul-selling, physical transformation, fire, body horror maybe? defusing a curse / prophecy, will I make the note longer than the scrap of a fic, stay tuned...

If you want a vague idea of what they could look like, Lynne could be played by Anh Hong and Alisha could be played by Mumbi Maina.

Alisha had had worse days, though probably not weirder.

She had a cute-as-hell new roommate / friend-who-is-a-girl-with-benefits-to-be-decided, and all she had to do in exchange was find some workarounds for an ancient curse.

"You know there's other ways, right? Surgery's expensive and tricky, but there's hormones and all kinds of-"

Lynne glared at her over her bowl of pho.

"I know that now. Seven years ago I didn't. There was a lot less internet, and I was a sheltered kid."

"Right. Sorry. I'm probably really lucky I didn't know selling your soul to fairies was an option."

All they had to do was get through the trials. They knew what the trials were, but not how long they'd last, or when they'd start. Alisha had a bunch of PTO saved up. She hoped it would be enough.

The bear was first. They learned that, while Alisha had to hold Lynne, she didn't have to do it the whole time, and trying that didn't make the transformation shorter. It lasted from midnight to midnight. There were noise complaints and scratched walls, but their forward planning had minimized the damage. Unfortunately, the couch was a total loss.

After that was the lion, and it wasn't that different. Alisha vowed to learn whether human Lynne like being scratched behind her ears enough to purr.

The snake came next. That's when they learned that 1. Lynne's mind stayed mostly the same, 2. A human mind in a snake body can use her tail to type, and 3. It is very distracting to be in a work meeting contemplating messages about snake sex.

The flaming brand didn't go so smoothly. Lynne could be contained in the fireplace, but Alisha couldn't go in there to hold her. Asbestos suits were hard to come by on short notice, but Alisha knew a guy.

Before the trials started she had explained this to an incredulous Lynne. "Well," she said, "You Mainers sure are full of surprises!" Then she laughed until she snorted Singha up her nose.

So Alisha was uninjured, but the wallpaper not so much.

Finally Lynne turned back into herself, naked and smokey and sooty and perfect. Alisha fell asleep snuggling her, in a pile of blankets on the mangled ruin of the futon.

The eviction notice arrived bright and early.

Happy Halloween!

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Interesting times

Mon, 20 Jul 2020 21:13:54 GMT

The crown sits cold and heavy

Upon our new king's brow

A day that should be joyful

Is grim and somber now

The future is uncertain

This year feels like a curse

It seems each month and day

Bring changes for the worse

The past is marred with scandal

The present rife with fear

He searches for the words

The kingdom needs to hear

His subjects do not greet him

They do not crowd the hall

But still they listen, hopeful

And safe within their walls

The king looks grimly forward

From his new acquired throne

No courtiers are with him

But he is not alone

Though doubt and pain surround him

Though plague enfouls the air

He is blessed with a kingdom's bounty

And a people strong and fair

With his consort prince beside him

He will have the strength to fight

The future can be different

The new day can be bright

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weird fusion nonsense

Tue, 07 Jul 2020 13:44:34 GMT

IDK I keep listening to Hamilton songs & thinking about TDP/dark magic/Viren like

Lujanne: No!
Runaan: No!
Rayla No!
Callum: No!
Ezran:No!
Amaya & Gren: No!
Opeli: No!
Aanya: No!
Fareeda: No!
Florian: No!
Ahling: No!
Pentarchy guards: No!
Katolis guards: No!
Crow Master: No!
Saleer: No
Marcos: No!
Soren: No!
Claudia: No!
Lissa, waking up with A Bad Feeling: No!!!
Ghost Sarai: No!
Ghost Harrow: No!

Viren: (makes a blood pact with an elf he just met)

Tho honestly if made a real attempt at filking "Say No To This," it would prob be from Harrow's POV. or... IDK. Stupid sexy creative solutions.

OTOH "do a bunch of forbidden magic around a guy I have conveniently indefinitely detained alive in my secret dungeon" has some "publish extensive details of a scandal in a purported attempt to protect legacies & stuff" energy...

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Royal Property

Sat, 27 Jun 2020 20:16:14 GMT

Lord Viren had been hard at work for weeks, compiling lists of resources and supplies, seeking them out, maintaining a detailed inventory, and continuing to search for the last, elusive, items and answers. Freed from more pressing royal duties, King Harrow accompanied him on his final mission.

Before they could set out on the journey back to the castle, the exhausted mage faltered. The king caught him in his arms, and guided him to a secret chamber in a corner of the great market. Upon Viren's direction, he administered a potion to dull pain and restore health, then embarked on a plan of pleasurable distraction.

He met his mage's lips with soft, insistent kisses. Viren moaned into his mouth, and gasped when Harrow moved down the side of his neck. He stifled a cry when the king opened his collar and fixed his teeth to the soft flesh between his collarbones. Harrow loosened the other fastenings of his shirt, opened it to the waist, and caressed Viren's chest.

Harrow then began kissing each place his fingers had touched. Writhing in pleasure where he sat, eyes half-closed, Viren didn't notice the king retrieving something from his pocket. But he did notice the touch of cold metal at his breast.

"What's-"

"Shhhh... I only wish to... mark what is mine."

In his hand the king held a seal, well-inked. Not the great seal of the kingdom, but Harrow's own personal mark. He kissed the other side of Viren's chest, laving the nipple with his tongue as Viren squirmed and whimpered, then pressed the seal there, too.

Harrow's voice rumbled in Viren's ear. "What's mine, forever..."

He twined their fingers, stroking over the ring on Viren's hand, and guided his mage's legs apart to kneel between them. Viren's breath grew shallow, with pleasure now, not pain. Harrow's beard scraped pleasantly against his skin as the king kissed his breastbone, and marked that with the seal as well.

"Each and every best-beloved part of you..."

Harrow made his way downward, gripping his mage's hips, as Viren trembled and clutched at his back. He kissed and marked each rib, and the soft expanse below on either side. He softly kissed Viren's navel, and the soft surrounding belly, covered in sparse hair, now turning silver.

He opened the mage's pants and worked them lower, kissing and marking his hipbones and the hollows inside. He nuzzled the thick hair and mouthed at his mage's cock through his underclothes.

"I want... can we do this here?"

Viren nodded. "Please!"

Then, quick and joyful, Harrow gave his mage release with hands and mouth. Viren slumped on the seat, wrung out now with ecstasy, as Harrow began to right his clothes.

***

When he came to the shirt Viren stopped him.

"Wait a minute. I want to see what you did."

He stood and examined himself in the bathroom mirror. Twenty or so places on his pale torso now bore the legend, in red with gold flourishes, "Property of King Harrow."

Harrow held up the "seal" and grinned at him.

"It's a self-inking stamp!"

Viren shook his head, smiling.

"I ordered it last month, from the special catalog they let you see when you volunteer at book fairs. I didn't know when we'd get to use it, but when school supply shopping sucked out most of your lifeforce, it seemed like a good distraction."

Viren nodded in agreement, smiling into another kiss as Harrow finished buttoning his shirt. The headache medicine had kicked in, and he was ready to face the new school year as a valued asset of the crown.

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Home is where...

Sun, 21 Jun 2020 16:34:30 GMT

"I can't stay here, and you won't leave. I guess that means it's over."

"Why can't you stay here? This is our children's home!"

"I just... can't! It's not my home, and it never will be. I've tried to change the way I feel, but I can't do it. I miss Del Bar too much. I miss the mountains, and the rivers, and the way things smell... I miss the snow that actually stays on the ground all winter. I miss the food! The holidays, the music..."

"You can visit anytime you want."

"I know that, but it's not the same. I need to live there. I miss my family. My parents won't be around much longer, and my cousins and nieces and nephews will grow up without me."

"I don't understand why that matters so much. Do they need you?"

"Yes. And I need them. We need each other. We belong to each other."

"I don't understand."

"I know you don't."

"..."

"Come with me! I know you don't feel the same way about Katolis. My people would welcome your skills. You can serve humanity anywhere."

"Humanity, yes..."

"...but not your king."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too. I know we would feel differently if we could. You just can't change what your soul needs."

Alternate, earlier, more poetic (?) version:

Too Far From the Home Place

"I miss my home too much... I'm sick with longing. My people are all buried there, and I want to visit and speak with them. There's a hill behind our home where the hidden folk live, and they've been calling to me in my dreams. I can't stay away!"

"I suppose you should leave, then."

"Come with me, please! You can use your talent to serve humanity anywhere!"

"Yes..."

"...but not your king. That's the problem, isn't it?"

Viren doesn't answer. There's no need.

(a bit inspired by recent soul-crushing personal experience, but also a Due South fic I meant to write in 2001 or so)

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Practical Ethics Masterpost

Mon, 08 Jun 2020 23:13:51 GMT

This is a no-magic modern AU where Dr. Viren is a professor researching scary questionably ethical bionanotech(?) weapons & countermeasures at Katolis University.

Dr. Harrow is recently separated from his military wife and struggling to balance family & a new job as a history professor.

It's friendship at first meeting, but as their relationship grows, Viren has to confront the conflict between his life's work and the kind of future Harrow thinks is worth any sacrifice.

aka my several times abandoned once-and-future Nano project & attempt to write something like a slowburn that kind of almost has a plot or a theme or something

First Meeting: lonespark.dreamwidth.org/120846.html

Storm and Shelter: lonespark.dreamwidth.org/244628.html

Cold and Comfort: lonespark.dreamwidth.org/222172.html

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Journal search?

Mon, 08 Jun 2020 23:04:59 GMT

Is there a way to search your journal?

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The special book

Fri, 05 Jun 2020 01:09:45 GMT

CN: dangerous, destructive fire, reading & sharing a private diary,

The royal family has kindly provided Viren with several books and pens. He uses these to record spells and studies, filling them quickly with copious research and the ideas the research inspires. The ideas lead to more research, which leads to more ideas, which leads to a need for more books and quills and ink.

Prince Harrow has taken to stopping by the library in the evening. He knows he'll find Viren there, usually curled on a bench with his latest tome. Harrow delivers fresh supplies and sometimes asks what he's reading. Viren gushes about history and magic, honing his dramatic storytelling to hold Harrow's interest, and tries to hide his blushes in response to the prince's smiles.

On weekend mornings Viren rises early and goes out into the hills to gather spell ingredients, and sometimes to read and write in seclusion in his special book. This one he bought himself in the market, and in it he writes private, secret, impractical things. On a few occasions he attempts poetry.

In the later morning he wanders back near the castle, and often finds Harrow with a picnic basket and plans for the afternoon. Sometimes Viren gets pulled into games or schemes with the prince's other friends, but often they spend time together, alone. No matter how dirty he gets, or how much they argue, Viren treasures the time.

He treasures the memories, too, and the feelings wrapped up in them. They're bright and warm and often confusing, and they find their way into his special book.

***

When the apprentices and acolytes are sent on retreat to prepare for their final year of training, they can only take a few possessions, but he can't make himself leave the book behind. He writes in it more than ever, missing Harrow and dreaming of him. He writes letters he would never send, and love ballads with the names and details changed to fit his fantasies.

He always keeps track of the book's location, until the night when they're sent to fight a fire threatening a nearby village. The wind changes, and the last remnant of the fire races through the forest and their camp. With spells, and shovels, and what water they can carry, they save every life, and a haphazard horde of belongings.

Opeli is tasked with sorting the unclaimed books and papers. Viren's special book is singed, with its covers charred completely. She holds it up and asks who claims it, but Viren turns away, ashamed.

He should have realized she would read it. She brings it to him later, and he snarls about private words. She snaps back that she was doing her duty, and since he's so ungrateful she's going to enjoy reporting his impropriety to the prince.

Viren's heart clenches with dread. He can't bring himself to beg her not to, yet he spends every hour of the journey back in despair.

***

He wants to avoid Harrow to postpone the inevitable. He falls into bed exhausted, thrice-bathed but still brushing ash from his hair and tasting it when he breathes.

When he wakes there's a note by the bed. He puts off getting up for a while, then finally trudges off to what feels like doom. But the prince's expression is mild, and his tone is gentle.

"She told me what's in it. She seemed to think it was scandalous, but I don't see why. It's not like you're marching into the throne room demanding my hand in marriage." He laughs at the ridiculous notion. Viren tries to join him, but only manages a choking noise, as that image settles firmly into his repertoire of daydreams.

"Anyway, I'm sorry you had your private thoughts exposed, and I want you to know it doesn't change anything. I'm glad you're safe and back beside me."

Harrow claps a hand on his shoulder, then sort of lunges into an awkward hug that has Viren staggering back a step. The closeness and relief are overwhelming, and as soon as the prince lets go he retreats to the door.

Harrow calls, "Wait," and holds out the book. Viren doesn't take it.

He says, "You can read it, if you want."

Harrow frowns. "But you don't want me to."

Viren covers his face with his hands. His throat is tight. "I don't know!"

Harrow pats his elbow reassuringly.

"Alright, I'll read it. We can talk about it at lunch on Sunday."

***

It felt like the right choice then, but as lunchtime on Sunday approaches, Viren starts to panic. He brings his customary contribution of drink and specially selected cheese and starts serving it to an unusually quiet and flustered-looking Harrow.

The silence is awkward, but Viren can't think how to break it, so he just eats.

"I was wrong."

Harrow won't look at him, awkwardly clenching his fingers in his hair, and Viren suddenly forgets how to swallow, or breathe.

"I thought it wouldn't change anything, because I've thought of you as my best friend for so long." Harrow takes a deep breath. He picks up a fork and starts tapping it against his leg. "I guess I never thought we could be, um... more than that. But now, I can't stop thinking about it..."

Viren makes an absurd and undignified sound of shocked happiness. It makes Harrow grin and giggle, and then keep laughing, dragging Viren with him into laughter. Into sprawling on the blanket, lightheaded and trembling as his prince takes his hand.

"I missed you so much. I wrote letters, too, and didn't send them. But they weren't like what you wrote. It was beautiful."

There's a quick, furtive brush of lips against his cheek, before they sit up again to eat lunch. Harrow doesn't stop holding his hand, or looking at him and breaking into shy, soft smiles.

There's warm peach pie for dessert, with ice cream, and they feed it to each other in small bites. Harrow wipes a trace off Viren's lip with his thumb. He leans in til their lips nearly touch, and Viren closes the distance.

***

"Next time you go out, come wake me up. I want to go with you."

The guards give him knowing smiles.

Waking Harrow is a challenge. When he finally tries parting the curtains, the prince covers his eyes and squawks like an affronted parrot. Then he focuses, grins, and beckons Viren to the bed. Harrow's morning breath is atrocious, but a small price to pay for the warmth that spreads all the way to his toes when they kiss.

Viren waits on the balcony for his prince to dress. When Harrow joins him, the arm across his shoulder is familiar, but the caressing touch is new, and welcome in a way that makes his heart ache.

In courtyard below, acolytes are returning from morning prayer. Viren recognizes Opeli's voice and entertains the fleeting thought that he should thank her.

Harrow is once again wearing that shy, sweet smile he can't help but match. They gaze out over the kingdom together.

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intertwine

Thu, 04 Jun 2020 03:36:30 GMT

"May I cut a lock or your hair?"

"I suppose. What for?"

Viren frowns slightly, cutting the hair and stroking it between his fingers as he answers.

"My grandmother - not Claudia, the other one - was a wild mage in the mountains. One of her stocks in trade was protection charms. There's one for childbirth, with a braid of all the family's hair. I've already got mine, and Soren's... A bit foolish, perhaps, but I've had terrible dreams..."

Silvis shakes his head.

"It doesn't sound foolish to me. I've got no reason to be snobby about types of magic." He peers at the hair in Viren's other hand. "But yours are so short, how can you make a braid?"

"Maybe... spin it first?" Viren's tone indicates he knows precisely nothing about spinning.

"That works with wool and... flax?" Silvis doesn't know much more. "But I don't think you'd get the same results with human hair. It's so... slippery."

In the end the hair is sort of twisted together, around braided thread, and placed in a pouch embroidered with runes for health and protection. He's wearing it over his heart, and it's certainly imbued with love and care, which ought to be enough.

*

Storms on the road from Camboria keep the birth priest delayed. Labor starts sooner this time, and drags on. Viren talks, at times with nervous energy, and Silvis mostly naps. He does find the energy to grumble in response to musing about names, "if the child is a girl."

"We won't know that," he says tiredly, "Until she tells us."

Viren nods quickly. "Right, yes, sorry. If we'd adopted your people's approach it would have saved Harrow some grief... But we haven't, and we won't. I thought we agreed to bestow a name on the seventh day again."

"Yes, that's fine. That's different from claiming we know what we can't."

He's expecting to be part of the ceremony, but fate has other plans.

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Physiological Effects 1

Mon, 25 May 2020 02:54:17 GMT

( Read more... )

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undiscovered country

Tue, 19 May 2020 15:40:51 GMT

What if kinda vaguely like The Martian but varrai & so far none of the fun parts?

CN: grief, funeral

"There's no goddamn way this should have fucking happened! There were safety factors within safety factors! There are plenty of risks, but this one should be fucking impossible!"

Sarai nods.

"I know."

She feels numb, like thoughts arrive slowly after breaching a protective barrier, but she does understand. Viren doesn't have to keep yelling.

"We need to learn a lot more about surface weather conditions, and fast! We have to redesign the suits, and the protocols, immediately, so this can never, ever happen! I hate making pitches and calls but this is earthshatteringly important so..."

"Those are good ideas," Sarai tells him, "But they don't all have to happen today. They probably can't. We can take some time to be sad."

Viren just growls, "Fuck you!" and leaves. She doesn't see him again til the funeral.

***

Sarai is still numb.

She was drinking, but it didn't seem to help, so she stopped.

Viren, of course, doesn't do numb. He only does distracted, or plummeting into the abyss. She watches him try unsuccessfully to stave off the second option with an alarming volume of alcohol until the bar closes. Then she invites him to keep doing it with tolerable wine on her couch.

Because he shouldn't be alone, and because she doesn't want to be, and everyone else at the funeral knew Harrow and loved him, but it's not the same.

They dated pretty seriously before they started working together and decided to to put that on hold. But Viren has always been an immutable touchstone in Harrow's life. Not just the emergency contact and next of kin, although he is that. A guiding light and a place to land, if not always a soft one. Another vital part of their perfectly imperfect love.

She has shared a lot with Viren over the years. Now they get to add tears, and snot, and this all-consuming pain. It feels like the grief shattered her soul, and came back to grind it to dust.

Yet some persistent, unimportant parts remain... and one of them hopes Viren isn't going to throw up on her very nice and expensive funeral pants. At this point he's mostly just crying in her lap, but sometimes he chokes out words.

"We can't... can't even bring him home!"

"Yeah. That sucks!" She smacks the table and topples her mostly-empty wineglass. It fucking hurts. "But... well... First corpse on a new planet? You know he would think that's kind of cool."

Viren's eyes widen. He wipes his eyes and sits up.

"That is cool! That's really cool." He reaches out and they hug like they'll never let go. "We'll make it mean something."

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Gutter Rat masterpost

Sun, 17 May 2020 21:21:36 GMT

that is only the working title, I need a better one...

warnings for the fic as a whole include references to underage sex work, disparaging references to sex work, abuse and sexual harrassment by authority figure

First Impression: https://lonespark.dreamwidth.org/249841.html

Forbidden Knowledge: https://lonespark.dreamwidth.org/168498.html

Fashion: https://lonespark.dreamwidth.org/143185.html

Yelling about power dynamics: https://lonespark.dreamwidth.org/249535.html

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Stories matter

Sun, 17 May 2020 15:55:57 GMT

A friend & hero of mine made a big post about pain and fear and having to hide who she is growing up, and why it matters so, so much to have queer-affirming entertainment, especially kid-friendly stuff like Stephen Universe & the new She-Ra.

I have somewhat similar feelings, especially about depictions of queer parents. I cried every time I saw them in The Dragon Prince.

Last night I finished watching Killjoys and the last few seasons had complex relationships between heroes and between former antagonists, where a complicated queer family is central to the big plot, and the ending is happy and I AM VERY EMOTIONAL!!!

And I'll never be over Korrasami, especially since I watched that show with my kids.

I'll never be over anything that shows that queer ppl are queer all the time, that no one gets to stamp heteronormativity on our lives and families.

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